ON PARENTING
Dear friends,
I find myself between two auspicious occasions - Mother's day behind us, Father's day ahead of us - and it gives me pause to reflect on parenting. There's different styles out there: helicopter, lawnmower, free range, tiger mom (been there). But I've settled into my favourite version of parenting, which I would liken to curling. You know, the sport. Sometimes you have to smooth the way, sometimes you have to gently steer away from danger.
Small children teach us how to be joyfully alive. Big children reflect back our values.
- G Wagner
My feeling is, you have to establish a set of values that are important to you and for your family. Like a family ethos. And this becomes the only battle ground you defend. Because you cannot parent from fear. You cannot achieve perfection. And you cannot know what will become of your efforts. You have to trust that your love and good intentions will give you the result you’re most likely looking for. A happy, responsible human, capable of taking care of themselves and doing the best they can for the next generation.
A friend of mine once confided that her children weren't very polite. She lamented that they never said “please” and “thank you”. I remember asking her about how she communicated to them. She was rather indignant, citing that they should just do as she asked. Without her having to use the words that she wanted to hear from them.
Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
-James Baldwin
Two pieces of valuable advice I collected along the way became my momma-mantras. One was from my Paediatrician. The school doctor had said some things about my daughter’s development. The first child I was putting through the German school system. I was hyper-concerned, of course. Completely new language and culture, first experience. Big fear of making mistakes. Didn’t know if my radar was perhaps a little off. Our doctor had known my daughter since her first few breaths of air, and he looked at me and said something that strengthened me in my role as a parent:
Mrs. Wagner, it is your job to protect your children from people like that.
- Dr. Berger
The second piece of advice I got from an article in Vanity Fair. It was a rare interview with Michelle Pfeiffer, who was struggling with her teenage son. I had harboured a fear of puberty, after witnessing my adolescent friends go through varying degrees of parental loathing. Something that I had personally never experienced. The doctor’s advice to the plea for help regarding a difficult teenager was this:
LOVE HIM UP
As my children grow older, and I see their potential starting to blossom, I feel proud. Not of my flawless parenting. No no…What a joke. In fact, when my daughter Emily (first born) turned fourteen and found her voice, she criticised the very things I had paid particular attention to. The stuff I thought I could slightly improve upon, after reviewing my own upbringing. These were exactly things she took issue with. But it was freeing. I exhaled after I recovered from shock because I thought, “gosh, I’ve been so invested in the minutiae; with how I express my thoughts, or behave on this subject, and it’s gotten me nowhere.” It gave me license to be wholly, authentically me. Even when I had a bad day. Even when I needed a time out for myself. It was such a relief.
My pride is for the space I gave my children to unfold. And the confidence that developed from unconditional love. That is what I am most proud of. That the message was received:
I will love you, always.
with so much love,
xxxx Gillian xxxx
P.S. Please write to me if you have any questions or comments.